The MisAdventures of Hawke
by Peskylilturtle
Summary: From her arrival in Kirkwall to her rising to become the champion, Hawke's adventures were not as smooth as Varric led Cassandra to believe.
1. prologue

The Adventures of Hawke.

Prologue.

Hawke woke up in the middle of the night, hearing some people bumping about in her manor and a woman yelling at someone. She sat up, yawning, and put on her robe in case she had forgot about having some guests over. On her way to the kitchen, she waved to Varric when she saw him with some big guys and slipped into the kitchen to sate her need for a midnight snack. Pulling out a cheese wheel and her trusty murder knife, Hawke cut herself a slice of cheese cleanly before examining the blade "Oh murder knife," she said as she stuck the cheese slice into her mouth, "how I love you."

She heard more talking, apparently Varric was telling someone a story about her, she really hoped it wasn't the one about her running away from the Arishok for thirty minutes while she threw tar and fire grenades. She slid to the door and pressed her ear against it, she could hear the tale of how her and Bethany fought off waves of darkspawn and finally with her sticking her sword through the eye of an ogre, noting that Varric excluded her shouting 'give me your face!'… she would talk to him about that later she supposed. She waited for the part where she seduced the dragon turned beautiful man with her wits, and was disappointed when a woman interrupted "ah balls on that," she said quietly and decided to go visit the hanged man to get a quick drink. She had reached the door when she remembered that she needed some armor that wasn't dirty, but decided just to take her sword and left the house. Going through the front door, Hawke breathed in the night air and went on her way to get a drink.

"The champion was at the heart of it when it all began," Cassandra told Varric, resolute to find the champion of Kirkwall, "if you can't point me to her, tell me everything you know."

Varric tapped his fingers together "You want answers?"

"I want the truth!"

Varric sat forward, pointing a finger at Cassandra "You _can't _handle the truth!" though he withdrew it when she nearly cut it off.

"Tell me your story _Dwarf_, or I'll find someone who will," Cassandra pulled the knife from the book and stabbed the chair between his legs, without hitting anything thank the Maker.

Varric sat back, smiling, "Then you'll need to hear the whole story."


	2. Chapter 1: Hawke Plisskin

The Adventures of Hawke

Ch1: Hawke Plisskin

They had been running for a couple of days since Lothering, and even longer since the cluster fuck that was the battle of Ostagar. "Carver," she yelled to her brother who was behind them, "if you can't keep up we're going to have to leave you."

"We've been running since Ostagar," Carver huffed, "and you forced me to carry your dog in a cart." He motioned back to the cart where the Hawke family Mabari was resting, who let out a happy bark at the sign of attention.

"Who's a good Mabari, you are, yes you are" Hawke told him, scratching the dog's chin and forcing the group to stop. Bethany launched a fireball at the Darkspawn who were catching up in the moment that Hawke took to pamper her dog. Hawke drew her two handed sword from her back and cut a darkspawn down in an epic fashion and, she guessed that Carver killed one also.

"I think that's all of them," Carver the obvious stated, moving away from the cart now that Dog was bounding around the female members of the Hawke family.

"For the moment," Bethany added onto it, trying to compete with Carver for the grasp of the obvious.

"Maker save us," Leandra Hawke, their mother, said in despair, "we've lost it all, everything that your father and I built." That led Hawke to wonder when she had come to have a family who specialized in obvious exposition.

She paused for a few seconds, weighing her options to respond, opening her mouth and then closing it when she decided that being aggressive wouldn't be the best. "…. I know how much Lothering meant to you, but we have to move." She smiled at herself 'nailed it' she thought in the comforting of her mother.

"We should have run sooner," Bethany spoke up and the shot an accusing glare at Carver, "why did we wait so long?

"Yeah Carver," Hawke joined in, "why did we wait so long?"

"What are you looking at us for?" Carver asked Bethany defensively.

"You Carver, we're looking at you. As in: it's your fault." Hawke told him.

"You're the one who insisted on building your dog a cart!"

"And you messed up on that too," Hawke said and looked and saw Darkspawn waiting behind the flames, "I don't think the blight's going to wait for Carver's complaints and pointing fingers."

"Listen to your sister," Leandra said to break her children up.

` "Carver did it," Hawke said once more pointing her finger at her little brother.

"Alright," Carver rubbed his eyes and told Hawke, "Lead the way."

"Follow me family, and Carver," Hawke said and charged ahead of them with dog bounding at her side.

After some killing of Darkspawn, Hawke roared to the heavens feeling as if she had reached some arbitrary goal and had become stronger as a result of it. They came upon another group of Darkspawn swarming two people "Think we can just ignore them?" Hawke asked.

"We can't just ignore them," Carver admonished his sister who rolled her eyes.

"It's your neck," she responded and started attacking the Darkspawn with glee in hopes of finding coin on them.

They were interrupted when a red headed woman threw a darkspawn off of the man and started beating its ass "You!will!not!have!him!" she finished with cutting off the Darkspawn's head, and from that moment Hawke knew that she would have to come up with a better phrase for when she killed darkspawn if she wasn't to be overtaken by the red headed woman in coolness. Hawke's coming over to loot the darkspawn corpses must have been mistaken for some gesture of greeting as the woman spoke "I am Aveline, and this is my Husband, Ser Wesley," she motioned to the man who had to get a darkspawn pried off of him.

"Well, I'm Hawke, it's short for Hawke, but you can call me Hawke," Hawke introduced herself, "this is Bethany, my mage sister. Leandra, my mother with an impossible body, and-"

"Mage," Ser Wesley stood up swinging his sword, wobbling it around was a more exact term Hawke felt. "Apostate!"

"Bethany is not an apostate!" Hawke defended her sister "She's never even been to a Circle!"

"Sister," Bethany said, "that's what an apostate is."

"Oh…" Hawke scratched the back of her head "Anyway, don't we have more to worry about?"

"The Darkspawn are clear in their intent," Ser Wesley the wobbly sword said, Hawke was sure that it could also be made to sound sexual. "But Mages are always unknown."

"We can't worry about this now, we have to get away from the darkspawn," Aveline told her husband, getting him to lower his sword.

"Yes, you can always oppress her after we get away from the Horde." Hawke added into the conversation, proud of herself for coming up with it.

"I can't fight, I can barely hold a sword," Ser Wesley the Wobbly Sword told his wife.

"I'll be your sword and shield, as always," Aveline told him and Hawke made a gagging noise. So after some more darkspawn and a chest in the middle of nowhere that was locked, the group of fighters, the infirmed, and Carver came to a clearing where Hawke was sure one day tales would be told of how Hawke the brave fought off several darkspawn. Somehow, Darkspawn managed to corner them by coming up the three paths leading to the clearing. "We're surrounded," Aveline found it fit to inform all of them of that fact.

"Who would think that a clearing with only three paths in and out would become a death trap?" Hawke said and they, being herself, Bethany, Aveline, Dog, and Carver, fought off the darkspawn while the two useless people waited in the back.

An Ogre charged up and roared, Carver moving back to protect their mother. "Hawke," he called to his sister, who refused to answer to her first name since her thirteenth birthday, "Lets attack at the same time; we can throw it off guard!" Ready for his sister to join him, Carver charged ahead "Die you soulless bastard!"

Hawke was about to join her brother in the valiant charge when she saw something shiny on the ground "Oh, a sovereign," she said going for the coin. The Ogre picked Carver up and smashed him against the ground before tossing him to the side. "Well, that was unexpected," Hawke said, pocketing the sovereign. With that she picked up her charge of the Ogre, surely it was better late than never to join in on Carver's charge. After a minute of slashing, Hawke got the Ogre on its knees and jumped up "GIVE ME YOUR FACE!" She yelled and plunged the sword into the Ogre's face, roaring in victory as she stood upon the fallen Ogre. Though, Hawke's mood was ruined by her mother crying over Carver's apparently dead body.

"Oh Carver, why did you have to charge," Leandra wept and Hawke approached her mother to comfort her.

"Look at it this way; at least it can't get any worse," Hawke told her mother, "not for a few minutes at least."

"How could you say that? He was your little brother, my little boy," Leandra said half hysterical, "how could you let him charge like that? You were supposed to protect him!"

"Hey, that's what twins are for, am I right? Lose one, and you still have a spare." Hawke added in.

"If it helps you, I will lay your son to rest," Ser Wesley said, "blessed are the dead for they are away from mages and at the Maker's side. He gave his life bravely so and for that he will be spared the pain that mages and Qunari heathens have brought upon the world since the days of the Imperium. Let us never forget that it is the fault of mages and mages alone that we have the Darkspawn that took his life, and as the chant tells us 'Mages are meant to be oppressed' Amen."

"Amen," Hawke responded and saw Bethany's glare, "what?"

Bethany put her hand on Leandra's shoulder "Mother, we need to leave so Carver's sacrifice won't be-" dozens of darkspawn rushed up the slopes as soon as Bethany spoke "wasted."

"Oh balls," Hawke said and readied her sword. Just when hope seemed loss, a dragon swooped down and started catching the Darkspawn on fire "Holy Deus ex Machina," Hawke cried out," what are the chances of that happening?" As the highly improbable Dragon roasted darkspawn and caught one in its mouth, Hawke was secretly hoping it some good looking guy who could transform into a dragon, and was disappointed when it turned out to be an old lady in some strange armor.

"Well well well," the old woman said approaching, "well well well," she kept her leisurely pace, "well well well, what do we have here?" Hawke approached her with Bethany, only turning to look when Wesley decided to be too much of a sissy to stand. "It used to be we never got visitors to the wilds, but now they're coming by the Hordes." She laughed at her own joke.

"That was a neat trick," Hawke told the old woman, "it saved our lives." The old woman laughed at Hawke's comment.

"You may very well still die," the old woman commented, "if you are planning on fleeing the horde, you're heading in the wrong direction." With that she turned around to walk off

"Wait, you can't just leave us here," Bethany said, obviously confusing shouldn't with can't.

"Can't I? When I saw that a mighty Ogre was slain, I wondered what such human could accomplish that feat."

"All me," Hawke bragged.

"But now my curiosity has been sated, and you are safe… for the moment," she told them and raised an eyebrow, "what would you have me do?"

"Well," Hawke folded her arms, "you could teach me how to turn into a dragon; that seems like it would come in handy." You know, for burning villages and devouring maidens, but she supposed she could be bothered to give her family members a ride if the mood struck her.

"hahaha," The old woman laughed, closing her eyes, "I like this one. Tell me, how do you intend to escape the horde?"

"We don't escape them," Hawke said, holding up her fist, "they escape us."

"What my daughter is meaning to say," Leandra told the old woman, "if we can get to a port, we can go to Kirkwall where my family has an estate."

The old woman smiled, tapping a finger to her face, "It appears fortune smiles on us both, I may be able to help you yet."

"Only if it comes in the form of me turning into a dragon to ravage the country side," Hawke set down her terms, "and to help us escape… I guess."

"Wait, we don't even know who she is," Bethany told Hawke, apparently having trust issues with the woman who saved their lives.

"I do," Aveline said, looking up from her weaksauce husband, "she's the witch of the wilds."

"Some call me that, they also call me Flemeth, Asha'bellanar,old hag who talks too much, or that dragon bitch," said the old hag/dragon bitch Flemeth/Asha'bellanar. "mhmhmhmh, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I will get your group past the Horde in exchange for a simple delivery not far out of your way. Would you do this for a witch of the wilds?"

"Sounds good, as long as we can fry more darkspawn," Hawke said, holding out her hand and Flemeth shook it.

"I love the smell of burning darkspawn in the morning," Flemeth told her, and gave Hawke an amulet, "take this to the Dalish tribe at Sundermount, give this to their keeper, Marethari, do what she tells you and any debt we have between us is paid in full. But before I take you anywhere, there is another matter," she told Hawke but then Wesley started coughing.

"Be quiet wimp, I'm trying to listen to Flemeth," Hawke scolded him, she walked toward him with Flemeth in a vaguely threatening manner.

"No, leave him alone!" Aveline said, standing in front of her husband.

"What has been done to him is already in his blood," Flemeth told her plainly.

"She's right," Wesley told her, "I can feel the corruption spreading through me, this must be what it feels like to have the sin of magic on your soul." He wheezed "Please Aveline, the sins of the mages burn my very soul

"The only cure is to become a Grey Warden," Flemeth told Aveline.

"Not even that could cure me of this spurning of the Maker," Wesley told her, "Aveline, listen to me."

"No you can't ask this of me," Aveline said, stroking his face, "I won't."

"Please, the corruption is a slow death, I can't-" he was cut short when Hawke threw her murder knife into his chest.

"Score," she said, pumping her arm, though it did bother her that the Templar armor seemed to be made out of tin foil.

"What the hell, Hawke!" Aveline cried out, seemingly threatened by the fact that Hawke did what she couldn't and put her husband out of his misery.

As Hawke pulled out her murder knife, and closed his eyes while looting his body, Flemeth snuck up on her and enigmatically spoke into her ear, "Without an end, there can be no peace." With that said, Flemeth turned away to be enigmatic. "It gets no easier, your struggles have only just begun."

Back in the darkened room of Hawke's house, Cassandra raised an eyebrow as she asked "Flemeth? You expect me to believe a myth swooped out of the wilds to save the Champion?" She made wide gestures with her arms so Varric could know just how skeptical she was, because she's Orlesian and they are silly people.

"Come now," Varric shrugged, with his usual smile and demeanour, "do I have to recite the tale of the Warden as well?"

"No," she held a hand up as if he was going to do it anyway, "Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised to hear of her involvement, not like this story makes any fucking sense as it is."

"I liked my version better too," Varric said with his arms crossed upon his chest.

Cassandra shook her head a little to show her apparent disapproval and how little of it made sense, it was almost as if she didn't know everything already, but she refused to believe that. "What aren't you telling me? Did she send someone with the Champion?"

Varric drummed his fingers mysteriously "In a manner of speaking," he told her with mysteriousness, "if by someone you mean strange piece of her soul, then quite possibly."

"…" Cassandra couldn't decide if the Dwarf was just screwing with her, but she figured that threatening to stab his dick would work only so many times. "Continue, but if you told me the Champion flew to Kirkwall on a Dragon-"

"Nothing so fanciful, I assure you," Varric told her as he pulled out his book and began to pull his little tabs so the waves in the picture would start moving "Well, the witch kept her word and took them to Gwaren, where they took ship. They had a layover at Boren, before having to go to Enta by horse and cart where-"

"Now you're just making things up," Cassandra accused him.

"Right, the point is, they sailed across the waking sea, lashed by terrible storms, boom, ka-crash" He inserted his own sound effects. "Two weeks they spent in that dark hold, packed in with the fearful and desperate and one or two horses if I remember correctly. Then they saw it, Kirkwall: The city of chains." He decided that his story could use with more exposition and back-story. "It used to be the center of the Imperium slave trade, slaves coming from far and wide to work the Quarries. Now it's a free city, but I use that term loosely."

=Next time on the Adventures of Hawke=

As the Templars dragged Bethany away, Hawke had to wonder if it was a good idea to tell Bethany to freeze those ruffians in front of the city guard literally a few steps away from the entrance to the Kirkwall circle. "She's not an apostate," Hawke called out, "she was trained by our mage father in Ferelden!"

"That's what an apostate is Hawke," Aveline reminded her again.

"Damn," Hawke bit her lip, "always get that wrong."

=Next time on the Adventures of Hawke=


End file.
